What it is: An extremely-phallic plastic sheath that will protect your precious banana, so you don't end up with brown fruity mush in the bottom of your backpack.
What it says: I'm too embarrassed to go into the store to buy you a real dildo.
Price: $4.99, BananaBunker.com
What it is: A personal shaver designed to trim back a thicket of unruly pubic hair by using a thermodynamic wire that "transmits heat to the hair." In other words, this device burns away the hair on your crotch, a process the company helpfully notes is "characterized by odor."
What it says: This arranged marriage just isn't working out for me.
Price: $250, Sephora.com
Lunar LegacyWhat it is: The award-winning Google Lunar X PRIZE space shuttle delivers a photo and message of your choice to the lunar surface, where it lies among a community of other moon-bound photos and messages.
What it says: Trust me, just because I got you a gift you can't see, read, or touch doesn't mean I didn't get you anything. It just means that I'm more comfortable rocketing my emotions into the vacuum of space than to say them to your face. Besides, it's the thought, remember?
Price: $10, lunarlegacy.org
Mourning StonesWhat it is: A set of eighteen rose quartz stones that you can leave on the gravestone of the dearly departed to pay tribute and show to others that someone visited.
What it says: Even when you're visiting someone's grave, you still gotta show off, don't you?
Price: $29.95, thecomfortcompany.net
Euro3Plast Baddy Garden GnomeWhat it is: A glow-in-the-dark, vaguely phallic lawn ornament that looks either like a postmodern representation of a garden gnome or a baby squid.
What it says: I want every teenager for a 15-mile radius to know where you live and to steal things from your lawn.
Price: $340, info@janehamleywells.com or (773) 227-4988
What it is: A fine collection of eco-friendly soaps and cleaning products, including dish soap, parsley-based all-purpose cleaner, and a fruit-and-vegetable wash.
What it says: Don't you have a kitchen to be in right now?
Price: $16.99, ecos.com
What it is: According to the press materials, this is "a behavioral modification device" that helps your child learn when to go to bed by forcing him to stare at a glowing moon until he falls asleep.
What it says: I'm really sorry about buying those night-vision goggles.
Price: $34.99, goodnitelite.com
What it is: Hand-painted novelty condoms that come in a baffling array of styles, including "Big Ben" and a small creature that looks like it's wearing a gas mask. (Because "my dick needs a gas mask" is a great message to send to your partner before sex.) In addition, the condoms light up and play music when the tip is touched.
What it says: I like to put action figures in my ass.
Contact: wackyrubbers.com
What it is: A bottle of flavored vodka that tastes like root beer.
What it says: Hey, do you girls want to get into my van and party back at my place? I've got some Zima, too, if you want that.
Price: $19.99/750 ml, martinsliquorsonline.com
What it is: An "extreme" line of oxygen, complete with snorting bull, that comes in two sizes (3.5 grams and 4.4 grams) and five flavors (citrus blast, mountain mint, polar rush, rainbow combination, and tropical breeze).
What it says: Here's a shockingly expensive can of air. (Also: I will buy anything.)
Price: $9.99-$12.99 for single cans, $34.99-$47.99 for a four-pack, thebigox.com
Celeb-4-a-DayWhat it is: A Los Angeles-based service that offers very public celebrity treatment -- complete with flashing photographers, screaming reporters, bodyguards, and a limousine -- to transform a nobody into a faux celebrity for up to two hours.
What it says: I would eat a cockroach in front of Joe Rogan for $450.
Price: $250-$1,500 available in Los Angeles, San Francisco, Austin, and New York City, celeb4aday.com
What it is: An animatronic dog that looks like it escaped from Chuck E. Cheese. It can obey six commands -- hilariously, one of these is "stay" -- and does everything a real dog can do, except form a reciprocal bond with your child, who will be scarred for life the first time the batteries run out.
What it says: I'd get you a real dog, but I'd have to pick up shit all the time because you'd never walk it.
Price: $179.99, amazon.com
Robin Charlotte Belt BuckleWhat it is: This line of belt buckles features an array of sea creatures (seahorses, tiny fish) set into a piece of plastic, creating a small aquatic scene. Essentially, a taxidermied aquarium that sits above your crotch.
What it says: I think you are a massive cheesedick. This will go perfect with your Ed Hardy T-shirt.
Price: $180, robincharlotte.com
Say It with Undies: Smart Ass ThongsWhat it is: A line of novelty thong underpants emblazoned with "hilarious" messages like "control freak," "desperate housewife," and "gold digger." (Because nothing says "I love you deeply" like personalized panties.)
What it says: Yes, I check out 14-year-olds when we go to the mall together.
Price: $20, sayitwithundies.com
What it is: Infrared night-vision goggles for children aged eight and older. This toy, which uses the same tech found in real night-vision goggles, can provide up to 50 feet of visibility in a completely dark environment.
What it says: Your kid's bedtime is your problem. I'm just the cool uncle.
Price: $79.99, amazon.com
What it is: An air freshener that you spray four to six times on your toilet water before you go to the bathroom. It comes in two sizes -- 2 ounces and 4 ounces -- and three scents -- original, "Royal Flush," and "No. 2."
What it says: Daddy really smells, and it makes Mommy cry on the mailman's pants.
Price: $9.95-$14.95, poopourri.net
BreezaWhat it is: A deodorizing toilet seat that utilizes a four-stage system to eliminate foul odors from the air. It installs in under 15 minutes, features an ergonomic design, and contains antimicrobial components.
What it says: Daddy smells.
Price: $246, lnt.com
Decapitated Teddy LampWhat it is: The name of the product says it all, really. It's your good old-fashioned stuffed teddy bear with a standard lightbulb fixture and lampshade where its head used to be. Perfect for the prepubescent serial killer.
What it says: Never ask me to babysit again.
Price: $114, suck.uk.com
What it is: The front cover pretty much says it all. This thin, 96-page tomb is "an owner's manual for use, maintenance, and repair" of your bathing suit area, including chapters on STDs and contraception. Needless to say, this product also comes from Australia.
What it says: You know, you don't have to sit down to pee.
Price: Prices vary, Amazon.com
Exotic Toad Skin Purse What it is: A terrifying purse made from the tanned skin of a cane toad, which you can customize so it comes with the legs either on or off. Needless to say, this product come from Australia.
What it says: I think you are a witch.
Price: Prices vary, toadfactory.com
What it is: They can call this thing a "lifelike replica of a real battlefield headquarter" all they want, but with that gabled roof and pretty banister railing everyone instantly knows what this really is: a dollhouse for boys.
What it says: Family therapy isn't covered in your healthcare plan.
Price: $39.99, KBToys.com
a small collection of my research that consists of some pretty terible gifts taken predominantly from esquire, i really like the comments "what it says" as they are realy quite humorous within the context.
i'm liking this idea as there is alot of visual otential in bothe the gift itself and the typeographical posibilitys of "what it says"
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